Defeated but not BROKEN

When things are going well in weight loss it is easy to get ahead of yourself.  At least it is for me.  Some times i need to remember that even with the weight loss that i have achieved I still have a long way to go.  I'm not talking about the number on the scale,  I'm not a big lover of scales it becomes an obsession for people and can make you go mad if you don't see the numbers that you want.  I'm more interested in becoming able to achieve task and not be held back by my size.  For to many years my thought process has been can i do this or am i to fat.  Its no way to go through life.  I have had a dream of climbing the 48 peaks in New Hampshire that are 4000' or higher.  In my mind completion of that list would mean freedom from my burden of the "I cant do it" thinking.  When i started this venture in February if you had asked me if i thought i would be climbing a 4000' mountain in May i would have told you that you were fawking nuts.  When i started i could barely make it 15 minutes on a treadmill now i can go for over an hour.  I knew this hike was going to be difficult i had a hard time doing bridal veils falls and it was only 2200' so this one was going to be more intense for sure.

The temperature on the Mountain was a comfortable 65 degrees which is good because i was going to be sweating like a whore in no time at all.  I was fortunate that my long time friend Jess came with me.  She was definitely better company than my dog Brady and she wasn't going to try to pull me down the mountain on the way down.

 Unlike Bridal Veils Falls hike there was no warm up to this hike it was a vertical incline from get go.  The trail climbed up along a brook and was pretty rocky with alot of roots from the beginning.  You had to cross the brook twice neither crossing was easily done there were very few rocks for you to get a footing on.  Jess had her camera ready i think she was waiting for me to fall into the water but i managed to get across.  The climb was pretty steady after the second crossing and became more littered with obstacles.  Large rocks and roots made it very difficult.  We eventually made it to a point where you could go out to the waterville valley ski slope and get a view.

The views up in the White Mountains are unbelievable.  It was at this point the hike became extreme.  The trail went to an incline of 45-60 degrees and the path was all large boulders.

I don't know if the new work out from the night before was catching up to me but I made it about a 1/4 mile from that clearing and I was thinking that i was coming close to the top.  The mountain was getting tough but I'm feeling it was close.  At this point we ran into another set of hikers and they broke the news that the clearing was only the half way mark and i had only gone about a mile and a half.  This trail was going to get alot worse and i had about another mile to go.  We had a weather update from earlier that they were expecting severe weather in the area starting around 4pm including hale.  I had to make a decision,  I didn't have another mile up in me.  My legs were like lead and the trail wasn't going to get any better any time soon.  Plus at the pace i was going we would not be done before the severe weather was expected to start and we did not want to be caught in the storm.  I decided that the wise option was to turn around and head back.

 

We got back to the clearing and decided to walk do the ski slope.  That decision was pretty rough the slope was muddy still my feet got soaked.  I will tell you a great leg work out walk down a steep hill, my legs were on fire when we reached the Mountain Lodge. 

After a quick photo-op with the great smokey the bear we finally made it back to the car.  I was wiped out.  I felt bad i completely passed out on Jess for the majority of the car ride home.  I will tell you i feel pretty defeated right now.  It never feels good to lose the big game, to miss the big shot, to not achieve your goals and expectations.  its a very demoralizing feeling.  I can say i lost this battle, but its a long war. G.K. Chesterton once said “How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win.”  and that has to be my mind set.  It was an ambitious under taking i attempted and yeah i didn't complete it.  But i am not done fighting. i will go after lower peaks and build my self up to a point where i will defeat that mountain.  You can never quit in life, i dint finish this peak but that just means i got to regroup train more and attack it again.  By the end of this summer i will be up that mountain.  And i will make it my own.  Sure i cant say i finished Mt. Tecumseh but i can say that i started it which is more than i could of said four months ago.  As long as i keep going for it i cant lose.