Its a mental thing.

I have been really behind on this.  I need to get better and i know i have said that before.  So whats new.  I can say that I'm doing good I'm still losing weight and things are alright in that department.  This weight loss thing is a wicked bitch of a mental battle.  I have more mobility and I'm out with people more but for some reason there is a dark cloud over my head.  Its weird that losing weight kind of scares the shit out of me to be honest.  I have been the fat kid my whole life that's what i know and that's how people know me.  It has been my reason for not being able to do things, for not talking to that girl i liked.  The reality is when the weight is gone then if i fail at something its cause I'm not good enough to do it or if someone doesn't like me its cause of me.  I got to my largest weight because of my need to be accepted and liked, i did the craziest things possible to entertain.  I am the funny fat guy, everyone loves the funny fat guy.  Having lost over 100lbs. the reality is if i keep going what do i have.  I spend alot of time thinking, its weird my need for acceptance yet i have an extreme distrust of new people.  It takes alot for me to let new people close to me and even when i do i always question whether they do truly like me.  I find myself pushing people away and sabotaging relationships.  If they leave now i cant be hurt later.  This last week has been very tough on me.  I find myself teetering on the edge alot.  I find myself crying when I'm alone and it truly scares me.  My one guiding light is that i have not gone back to binging as a way of coping.  Its really hard finding self worth when you have never had any.  3 hours at the gym is easier then the battle that has been raging in my head.  Its almost like i am keep pushing those close to me to a point where they give in and agree that i am worthless.  I know it sounds crazy even reading it myself i think its crazy.  Who would have thought that losing weight would make you deal with demons that you aren't necessarily ready to deal with.  But i keep going finding peace in exercise where i get a temporary release from my mind.  I keep trying and i keep going and eventually i will get over this hump and start enjoying this ride as much as i should.